Bigger Font
Smaller FontQ and A: Adult Child — Not Ready Either
Question: My mother is in her seventies and a widow. She says she wants me to help her find the right retirement community when the time comes. She also says she expects me to tell her when the time has come. Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with this whole idea. How do I prepare myself?
Answer from Ginny Reefer, Hank Fisher Properties CEO: I had been with Hank Fisher Properties for over 20 years when my mother-in-law was suddenly widowed and needed my assistance to find appropriate long-term care. Even with my background in senior living, I felt unprepared. Like many seniors who say they are “not ready yet,” I found I wasn’t ready either.
I mean, the whole role reversal thing felt strange and uncomfortable. Mom had been someone I’d turned to for advice throughout my life. I was afraid she’d feel affronted and I wasn’t sure how much to take over and what to leave to her. My husband and I had careers, friends and children and we found it challenging to balance the needs in all of our lives.
It also was difficult for me to see my mother-in-law as anything less than the independent woman who’d long been one of my role models. I wasn’t ready to see her as vulnerable or having physical limitation and health issues. But, with my background, I knew that certain chronic conditions are prevalent among seniors including arthritis, high blood pressure, other heart disease, hearing loss, vision impairment and memory loss. Any of these can impact a senior’s ability to drive, pursue leisure activities and handle day-to-day life.
Case managers, social workers and other senior care advocates talk about “instrumental activities of daily living (IADL)”, which include such things as grocery shopping, doing housework, preparing meals, managing money, using the telephone and moving around inside and outside the home. They also talk about Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), which include dressing, bathing or showering, getting in and out of a bed or a chair, taking medication correctly, feeding oneslef, and using the restroom. Too many deficiencies in either group can make it impossible for a senior to live alone.
I had to break through my own denial and refuse to get carried away on an emotional roller coaster. I had to remind myself that there really is no “right” or “wrong” way to help a senior loved one – it all depends on the people involved and the specific circumstances. I also knew I wasn’t going to tell her what to do or make unilateral decisions for her.
My goal was to be a resource for Mom and ensure she retained a sense of well-being, purpose, self-esteem and “empowerment” – the feeling that she had the ability and opportunity to make choices and have input into her own life. Thinking like this helped me get ready to communicate with her openly and honestly so we could become partners in finding solutions that would work for the whole family.